We all know that being a leader isn’t always a walk in the park. As leaders, we often find ourselves in situations where we cannot choose who we manage. We inherit employees when we take on a new role or someone we thought was going to be great turns out to be extremely difficult. It happens all the time. And it really can suck. It’s important to remember that our primary responsibility is to lead our team towards a shared purpose, not to become best friends with everyone.
My experience with a VERY difficult employee…
I once managed an employee for over four years who was, let’s just say, a complainer. Working closely with them every day was a true test of my patience and emotional resilience. By the time I moved on to a new position, just being around this person made my blood pressure skyrocket. I would avoid even looking at them.
Yet, when I finally confided in my boss and mentor about my struggles, his response was, “I had NO idea!” This situation highlighted an important aspect of leadership: it wasn’t my job to gossip or complain about my team but to manage my emotions and maintain professionalism.
But look, I know first hand that managing our emotions in these situations it’s not easy.
So to help you out, I’ve pulled together some practical tips for this uniquely annoying situation. I’ve drawn from what worked for me as well as pulled in some expert advice from Rebecca Knight’s Harvard Business Review article, and a great book: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
How to Manage Our emotions….
- Focus on Behavior, Not Personality: It’s critical to separate the person from their behavior. This helps in dealing with the issue objectively without personal biases because, frankly, you don’t like them as a person (which is ok, but needs to be kept in check) What this looks like:
- “I’ve noticed that you’ve been interrupting others during meetings, which disrupts the flow of discussion.”
- “When you miss deadlines, it impacts the entire team’s schedule and progress.”
- “Your emails often come across as harsh, which can be misinterpreted by team members.”
- Set Clear Expectations: Clearly define what acceptable behavior, tone, language…etc looks like and outline next steps for failing to meet these expectations. According to Knight’s HBR article, “laying out clear expectations and consistent consequences is key to managing toxic behavior.”
- Separate Intent from Impact: It’s important to understand that the impact of someone’s actions may differ from their intent. Approach them with curiosity and the benefit of the doubt. Here’s an example of this in action:
- “Your feedback is valuable, but the way it was delivered came across as dismissive. Can you explain what you were aiming to achieve with that feedback?”
- Master Your Stories: This is a GREAT lesson found in Crucial Conversations. When something happens, we often create a narrative in our minds about why it happened. These narratives can shape how we feel and react. Before reacting, pause and ask yourself if the story you’re telling is the only possible explanation. Imagine someone on your team is sarcastic or passive aggressive in a meeting:
- Your initial story: “They are being sarcastic because they don’t respect me.”
- Other possibilities: “Could they be frustrated with the project? Are they having a bad day? Did they misunderstand my proposal?”
- Professional Response: “Let’s focus on discussing the proposal constructively. We can address any concerns after the meeting.”
- Document Everything: Keep detailed records of incidents and communications. Knight emphasizes that “documentation can support any necessary actions,” ensuring you have a clear history of the issues at hand.
We can’t always choose who we work with, but we absolutely can choose our boundaries…
Setting clear boundaries is essential for maintaining your sanity and keeping things professional. Here are three scripts to set you up for establishing boundaries with difficult employees:
- Being Spoken Too Disrespectfully: “I felt disrespected by the comment/tone you just used. I’d like to talk openly about it. Can you share more about your intention?”
- Managing Interruptions: “I’m not quite done. I’ll pass it to you in just a minute.”
- Being Ignored: “I noticed that my request hasn’t been addressed yet. Can you explain why it’s being overlooked?”
Being a leader isn’t about liking everyone on your team. Or being liked by everyone on your team. It’s about mutual respect and professionalism. Managing your emotions is a big part of that journey. By setting boundaries, practicing a growth mindset, and focusing on solutions, you can effectively navigate the challenges posed by difficult employees.
If you’d like to get even more scripts, frameworks and personalized feedback from me, managing difficult employees is a big topic in my 30 Day Fearless Communication Challenge. (registration opening up again soon!)
Details on the resources mentioned in this article:
- “How to Manage a Toxic Employee” by Rebecca Knight – Harvard Business Review
- “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler